Seeing as how Super Tuesday wasn’t established until decades after my unfortunate disappearance in 1913, I shan’t fret over its outcome following today’s vote. Do not take my meaning wrongly; I wish nothing but the best for the Republican electorate of the states holding Super Tuesday primaries and caucuses. And I hope each voter chooses wisely and each according to his or her conscience.
Some have asked after my prediction for Super Tuesday. Will Governor Romney sweep all contests before him? Will Senator Santorum steal some of Romney’s thunder in key states such as my own fair Ohio, this giving him fuel to prolong his insurgency against the establishment? Will Speaker Gingrich or Congressman Paul snatch some small surprise victory from the gaping maw of defeat before them? I will not wager a guess. After all, a man from a century ago is the last person one should ask to prognosticate about the future!
In any case, my choice to run as an independent candidate in 2012—rather than as a member of my former party, the GOP—means I have less invested in Super Tuesday than my Republican opponents. Surely the outcome will help determine the course of the race for all of us, President Obama included. But my heart has been cleft in twain by this sad, bedraggled tatterdemalion that once was my beloved GOP. So instead of making predictions, I shall instead let America know what I only wish the Republican Party might evolve into in the future (bearing in mind the irony that during my day, it was a beacon of Progress!):
-A GOP that will not view pragmatism, moderation, or compromise as signs of weakness or a lack of expediency.
-A GOP that will not allow women—or any group within the American populace—to be bullied, defamed, or granted anything less than full respect and rights in the eyes of society and the law.
-A GOP that will not view the lawful Separation of Church and State to be a war on religion, even as it allows certain factions of the party to wage its own such wars.
-A GOP that will not fear the vital and essential enlightenment of Science.
-A GOP that will not sanctimoniously preach fiscal restraint while allowing corporations and the wealthy to evade their fair responsibilities.
-A GOP that will not fail to recognize that the bettering of the least fortunate Americans is a benefit to all—even those who need no bettering.
-A GOP that will not anoint itself the champion of that most hallowed of our nation’s blueprints, the Constitution, without honoring it fully and consistently.
-A GOP that will not seek to cripple the very apparatus it seeks to control: the checked, balanced, and gloriously democratic Government of the United States as outlined by our Founding Fathers.
To reiterate, this is mere wish-making on my part. I chose to abdicate my membership and any position of eminence I may have still possessed in the bankrupt, backward institution that is the GOP. On this grand day of primaries, caucuses, candidates, and delegates, he future of the party is not up to me. It is up to you, dear Super Tuesday voter. I pray you will elect to make that future bright.