A letter from the candidate

Fellow Americans,

As you may have heard, the reports of my demise have been greatly exaggerated. For one hundred years, to be exact. But I have returned to you, my dear constituency, and it is with renewed vigor in the face of adversity that I throw my top hat back into the campaign ring.

True, as the 27th President of the United States, I served my term from 1909 to 1913 before my untimely, ah, disappearance. (Don’t ask.) However, it wasn’t enough. I may have been a reluctant Chief Executive the first time around, but it was only because I despised and still despise power, fame, and its trappings. As you do, I’m quite sure.

So I implore you, as you begin to wade through this wasteful and corrupt and electoral landscape of 2012, to consider the alternative: me. I am not a celebrity. I am no longer a Republican. I am not a Democrat nor a liberal nor a conservative. I am, simply, William Howard Taft—servant to this nation and shepherd of her greatness.

All I ask in return is your kind attention, your thoughtful consideration, and perhaps a light, healthy snack. And, of course—humbly—your vote.

Sincerely,

William Howard Taft